Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 


You know how, in the last little bit of nowhere, I wrote the following: The winter kiosk is up. Not in flames, mind you, but we're still optimistic. Well, those of you who joined the ensuing betting pool can check your tickets, and whomever put down "October 28" gets to claim their prize.

Now before all of you start panicking, let me reassure you both Mel and the kiosk are just fine. It was just a slight case of near spontaneous combustion on the kiosk's part this morning. On a related note...with the way the company's been on such a healthy & safety kick these days, you would think they'd maybe start investing in plastic curtains that don't melt, smoke or burst into flame should they wind up touching one of the kiosk's small potlights.

As demonstrated earlier this morning, obviously not.

From the second-hand accounts I've heard, it was blind luck a customer passing by noticed the smell and the smoke starting to waft from one upper corner of the kiosk's drawn curtain. Suffice to say, disaster was quickly averted and no smoke alarms went off, and now the kiosk curtain is sporting a pretty black, acrid hole in one spot.

Although had it been worse, the ensuing call to my district manager would have been interesting.

"Uh, hi, it's me. Before you hear any wild rumours, the scheduling for the kiosk is going to be a little strange next week. Mostly because the kiosk just burned down. Don't worry, no one's hurt, and I think they managed to save a couple of scarves too. Just FYI."

At the rate this is going, all we need is a faulty self-destruct button mounted in the kiosk, and we're set!


Today's Lesson: burning kiosk curtain, according to Mel, smells a lot like those fluffy pastries you can get in the main foyer of Toronto's Chinatown Centre. So if you happen to be nowhere near a Chinatown, and you smell something like that...you might want to take an extra step around the kiosk you're passing by.
posted by Phillip at 8:47 PM

 

Today, the seasonal winter kiosk went up. Not in flames, mind you, but we're still optimistic. (Hey, we have a fire extinguisher there, just in case!) But yes, one major stress point has passed. And let me tell you, the first day of setting up the kiosk went along with absolute perfection! Totally uneventful! Not a problem or glitch at all!

...unless you count the fact that the kiosk has no power to it, and thusly no working computer. Or lights.

Or that almost half of the shelves in our kiosk cupboards had next to nothing holding them up.

Or that the barcode scanner is missing.

Or that it will have no phone line (and subsequently no Interac or credit card connection) until late next week.

Or that a part of the floor is unstable, and liable to trip or grievously injure someone.

Or that the recepit printer is banged up and dented so badly it'll be a miracle if it even works.

Or that the curtain has no storage area or even a sash to be tied up with.

Or that the handy dandy computer reference manual is all in French (which none of us speak).

Or that our manual credit card imprinter is gimped up to the point where you can't even do manual card swipes.



Okay...so maybe there was a "hiccup" or two. Or three. Or nine...ish.


Today's Lesson (brought to by "Sir States-The-Obvious"): if it's not put together by Tom, there will be problems with your kiosk.
posted by Phillip at 7:31 PM

 

...may not be exaggerated after all. Last week involved a sidewalk sale, hiring new employees, training new employees, finalizing details on the kiosk, and changing this coming week's schedules no less than 4 times. There has been a pleasant lack of crying or thumbsucking on my part, but there has been an unhealthy and unpleasant plentitude of aggravation, shifts without breaks and wishes for big red "Easy" buttons to be installed within the store.

"Ah, but it'll be all better soon!" you cynics might scoff.

I'll agree...but not quite yet. This coming week sees one mall meeting, one manager's meeting, the set-up of our seasonal winterwear kiosk, plus a probable visit from a corporate auditor who will hopefully think I'm at least doing a decent job. Plus I have 2 weeks of paperwork to catch up on, and that's all due in about 8 days.

Things will calm down in November. Maybe. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. Granted, the Commercialmas push will officially begin about 2 weeks from now, and the crowds might start to pick up. But hey! Consider yourselves lucky: this little bit of nowhere is offering only a small slice of random, transient pessimism.Or would you rather be all angsty and emo?

I could write poetry. Really bad poetry about analogies of life and meaninglessness and oh noes!!1! I am in teh depression!

On the plus side, the last few days of reprieve have been spent at Kevin & Donna's. Joygasms have abounded, included getting a happy cheap Kung-Fu Hustle widescreen DVD (which I never did see, even though a row of them were sitting right next to their fullscreen counterparts), watching Batman Begins finally, and getting the chance to laugh with friends and forget the evil that awaits me the remainder of this week.

Nietchze was right when he wrote, "What cannot kill you will only serve to make you stronger." I doubt the tasks of this coming week will kill me, though they may instil in me a desire to send out an unholy army to kill someone else.


Don't worry, it won't be you.

Today's Lesson: spellcheck. (Or barring that, betaread/edit.) Why, you might ask? Well, go into the nearest movie store and pick up a copy of the DVD Mindhunters. Read the caption at the bottom of the front cover.

Yeah, someone probably got fired over that one....
posted by Phillip at 2:43 PM

 

Went to see Elizabethtown last night with Mel. And I rather enjoyed it, which is interesting. At its heart, it's a movie about a how the time surrounding a father's death winds up being so life-affirming for the rest of his family & kin. In terms of the life-affirming, it was exactly the pick-me-up I needed last night. And on the death perspective, I'm a guy who wants a Viking funeral and an Irish wake. Just fyi.

And somewhere along the way home, Mel wound up uttering the words, "It would have been insult to injury if they'd nabbed my car. They'd have stolen my car and my pants!" Which is particularly humourous, since there was no attempted theft of either. (And if there had been, this little bit of nowhere would have featured vast quanitities of homicidal rage.)

In the meantime, there are things to do, miles to go before I sleep, and a solid block of ice that will hopefully be a large piece of pork loin once I get it defrosted for tonight.
posted by Phillip at 5:27 AM

 

This past week has seen Mel's mother and grandmother stop by for a visit over the long weekend, wherein rice steamers were purchased (and I almost cried at being able to have a working steamer once more), an oversized chocolated peanut butter brownie of doom was consumed (nearly killing me in the process with all its sugar-shocking deliciousness), and debates ensued over whether or not poached eggs were better being poached with just water, or with a good dose of vinegar mixed into the water (I'm all for the vinegar myself).

This past week has also seen me scrambling to catch up on paperwork and tasks at the store, trying to get a working crew together for the winter kiosk that'll be opening up in just over a week, and in one unexpected (and not exactly pleasant) moment opening the store at 11am on my day off.

Ideally the worst of it is over. The brownie of doom was mostly eaten and has now gone on to legend. Three of the four people running the kiosk have been assembled, and all I need to do is start training them. And rice has been steamed in glorious amounts.

Now all I need is a day off without getting called into work, and I'll be happy. (Which happens to coincidentally be tomorrow.)


Today's Lesson: nothing suddenly wakes you up like the mall management calling and asking, "Were you aware you store has not opened yet?", despite the fact that you're certain you scheduled someone to open it.
posted by Phillip at 5:45 AM

 

Last weekend, Mel & I spent our time hanging out with Kevin and Donna, and trying to stop Gabezilla from eating...pretty much everything in sight, including Shady, which is admittedly on par for Gabezilla. It was also a weekend where Kevin and I more than anyone else indulged our inner "Jim Henson fanboy"and watched a slew of old Muppet Babies episodes.

I only mention this because of a disturbing development that has subsequently arisen: yesterday I happened to pass by a store that was playing a Pokemon episode...and Bulbasaur sounded exactly like Gonzo from the Muppet Babies. For some reason, this has brought great consternation to my world. I don't know...I feel as if a part of my childhood has been bent over a table and ordered to drop its pants.

Or my inherent concern might be due to the sudden image I had in my head of a Pokeball being lobbed into the air to the loud proclamation of, "Weirdomon, I choose you!" And then the Poke-Gonzo spots a Chocobo, falls in love and runs off, leaving Ash to face the wrath of some large beast who promptly eats him. (Possibly Gabezilla, though I don't know if he'd spit Ash back out in disgust.)

See? After reading that last paragraph, I bet you're disturbed now too! Look what terror this connection has wrought!

And now, more disturbing developments, which can be best summed up in a few words I'd like to unofficially share with my employers:

Dear Head Office,

On behalf of myself and my ailing stress-reaction system, I would like to thank you for informing me that I had less than 7 days to assemble and train roughly four people to run a winter kiosk in our mall. Sure, you could have informed me of our kiosk's arrival maybe two or three weeks ago, giving me more than adequate time to find a competent crew to run it, but I can understand your desire to see how cute I'd look the second that stunned, "deer in the headlights" expression hits me. And rightly so! At the time, I was certainly feeling that my day had not given me enough undue excitement. But then you blessed me with a near suicidal mission that would probably have resulted in me needing to break the glass of our emergency 'use in case of homicidal rage' box.

Again, I say probably, since when I checked with our mall administration, they told me the kiosk would be going in at the very end of the month. So bravo, Head Office! Way to keep me on my toes with your mixed messages, botched communications and rectal-cranial inversions! I'd applaud if I wasn't once again finding something to break the glass on our emergency 'homicidal rage' box. And believe me when I say that if your near-sighted incompetence was in fact a tangible substance, I'd ram it down your throat until you choked on it!

Thank you, and have a nice day.


Today's Lesson: when Anime and manga titles you like come out earlier than expected, it's good to have someone at the local comic store who sets them aside for you without even asking. Ah, Gemini Jetpack, could I love you more?
posted by Phillip at 8:26 AM

 


"It's a very nice house I built for you guys...try not to burn it down this time, Chaos."

"This time around, the CG is so good you swear you can lick the screen where Cloud's cheek is, and taste the bishiness."

"Gabe, I know you like me, but stop fondling my butt."
posted by Phillip at 6:52 PM

 

Being fans of Joss Whedon's sadly short-lived Firefly TV series, last night Mel & I went to see the movie/series sequel Serenity. It was nice to go on an opening night, and for once see a complete lack of teenyboppers in the audience. (Because heaven forfend anyone watches a movie that makes them think.)

And one of the primary reviewers on Ain't It Cool News was absolutely right: if you were a fan of the TV series, you will want to hug Joss Whedon and thank him for the movie. And then you're probably going to want to kick him in the testicles so hard they pop out of his nostrils. I say nothing more than that...

(Notice the total ominousness with a completel lack of spoilers?)

So what else has happened in the meantime?

Well, last weekend Mel & I spent said weekend (the first full weekend I've had off since...oh, early July) up at my uncle's cottage by Steenburg Lake. Very little of anything happened, and that's exactly why I enjoyed it so much. Lounging, swimming, board games, ridiculously happy amounts of freshly baked bread. And the highlight of it is my cousin suddenly racing through the living room at breakneck speed, shooting past me in just a shirt and his boxers as he's proclaiming, "Pants!"

Needless to say, I went back to reading my book.

The rest of this past week has been filled with me finally catching up on a lot of things at the store, to the point where the store and its paperwork seems actually presentable. And that's about it.

Yeah, I know: it's sad when one of my little bits of nowhere has only a single highlight, and it involves pants (and a lack thereof, and subsequently, a madcap crusade to locate said pants), and it really didn't even involve me.

But you'll get over it, I don't know how, one day at a time...

Today's Lesson: grenades good, Reavers baaaaaaad.
posted by Phillip at 5:37 AM